Monday, October 31, 2011

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Enter the Trey!

Trey Lloyd Zeiner was born at 11:44 am on march 3rd, 2011. He has chubby cheeks, curly dark hair (so far), and is super, super chill. We will post more later, but this should get you started.

From Trey!
More info and future updates will be here.

Much love,
Los Zeiners

Monday, February 28, 2011

Zeiner Casa Switch-a-Roo!

3 more days to go before we officially meet Trey!

To accommodate Trey's pending arrival, we did have to dramatically change the layout of our house. OK, no contractors were called in, but it still took 3-4 weeks to finish our room switch to give our newest family member his own space. This was a project that begun Dec 27 and lasted throughout January. It was major enough, that Dianna did actually go into preterm labor end of January (pushed herself too hard) and was placed on partial bedrest until Feb 17 (day she was considered full term). Luckily she was able work from home (Amgen Rocks!), so her maternity leave did not begin until Feb 14. Because of bed rest, finishing Trey's room did not occur until after Feb 17 (cutting it close for Dianna), so the past few weeks she has been frantically crossing off her list EVERYTHING that needs to be done before Trey arrives (Trey's room, car check up, taxes, etc. Including even a haircut and pedicure -- you try squeezing everything you need to do for the next ~2 months into 2 weeks.) Needless to say, with 3 days left to go, Dianna feels pretty good about being prepared for Trey... Posting on the Blog, has been on the list for weeks, CHECK!

Funny story: minutes after Mama Z got the go ahead from the doctor to walk around and enjoy the last few days or weeks, she went on a long walk.... it was pouring rain, so the maze of Ikea had to suffice. BUT she was able to purchase the final necessities for Trey's room. =)

Here is the final product and pictures of the other rooms moved around. It was worth all the effort!

Trey's new room: (Similar to Zane's but with a different color palette)
From Zeiner Casa Switch-a-Roo!

From Zeiner Casa Switch-a-Roo!


Zane's new room:
From Zeiner Casa Switch-a-Roo!

From Zeiner Casa Switch-a-Roo!

From Zeiner Casa Switch-a-Roo!


Study and Guest Bedroom merged:
From Zeiner Casa Switch-a-Roo!

From Zeiner Casa Switch-a-Roo!


Plus the garage was totally cleaned out to make space. We simply do not have enough closet or storage space in the house... so many items had to move to the garage, including luggage. Even though there is no pictures of the garage, trust us Gus worked his tail off under a pretty militant Dianna to get everything organized (thanks, honey).... and the final product is so nice. We officially have room for Trey! Zane loves his new room! AND we still have a guest bed! Any takers?

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Three

As most of you know, Dianna is pregnant again! The news has filled us with equal parts elation, hope and terror. The good news is there is only good news. The Z3 experiment has been working flawlessly, and to the resolution of what can be determined by a level 2 ultrasound, Z3 has a clean bill of health.

The ultrasound was on October 8th. We wanted to celebrate a healthy child and we feel that we have done that. Z3 is healthy. As we had done for Bryce, we instructed the ultrasound technician to keep Z3's gender a secret and place the perinatal pornography in a card, sealed in an envelope. Although the ambitious plan was to wait and savor Z3's healthiness, I walked in the door on 10/9 to find Dianna grinning ear to ear, followed by an "I love you".

To anyone who wants some money, play poker with my wife. Everything about her is a tell.

"So, I see you opened the card"

-smiling-. "Yeah. I can keep it a secret if you want"

Although I considered how much fun it would be to watch her try to keep this a secret, I figured it would be best for me to learn the same way Dianna did, rather than finding out in an incidental way. So we looked at the card together.



Introducing Trey Lloyd Zeiner. Trey means "three", to honor his big brothers Zane and Bryce. Lloyd is in honor of Dianna's grandfather, Aubrey Loyd Lester. The reason Trey Lloyd has two Ls instead of one as in Papa's name is a long, pedantic one. As a joke, I suggested we spell it Llloyd, but Dianna nixed the idea.

So there you have it. I apparently don't have any X sperm.

Yay Zeiner boys!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Rae of Sunshine

In an alternate universe, Bryce's due date would have been on or around September 26, 2009. Knowing that this milestone would make both Dianna and Gus unable to function in our everyday lives, we decided to take a trip together. The basic plan was to go somewhere that week with full backpacks and get lost - lost from work, lost from our lives, alone with each other to talk and process this last step of the acute phase.

We enlisted Grandma Mouge to look after Zane for a week, and started to throw around ideas of where to go. After brainstorming we settled on an ambitious plan. We decided to backpack the Rae Lakes loop at Kings Canyon National Park in the Sierra Nevada mountains of California. Some of you may recall that Dianna, Zane and Gus all did the first leg of this six-day trip on Labor Day weekend 2007 (so far, this is Zane's only backpacking trip to date, which is an indicator of how brutal it is to backpack with an infant/toddler). Gus had daydreamed about being able to do the whole loop, but the reality never quite materialized and kept getting less and less likely - our lives are just too busy to spare that kind of time and energy. After nailing down our decision we realized that by making this trip a priority in our lives, Rae Lakes would be yet another gift we got from Bryce.

The route itself is 46 miles long, begins at 5000 feet at Road's End near Cedar Grove on Hwy 180, and starts to climb up Kings Canyon north through Paradise Valley, east through Woods Canyon, south up the John Muir Trail, eventually topping out at 12,000 foot Glen Pass above Rae Lakes. After the pass the trail descends rapidly, skirting Charlotte Lake, Vidette Meadow, Junction Meadow, and continuing down Bubbs Creek until it drops back to the canyon floor. Rae Lakes is one of the most popular high country Sierra routes in summertime, but 9/24 marked the beginning of the 'off season' when Kings Canyon enjoys few backcountry visitors. Even backcountry park rangers break down their summer stations and leave for the fall and winter. When all was finished, we had seen a grand total of 16 backpackers in six days and were alone on all but one night in camp.

We spent Saturday night at the Cedar Grove lodge, woke up on 9/27 and started hiking. Although we had been humbled by the switchbacks above Mist Falls on the way to Paradise Valley two years ago, on this trip we flew up them despite carrying 40lb (Dianna) and 50lb (Gus) packs. Although it turned out to be a long day of hiking, we made it 10 miles to upper Paradise Valley and camped the first night.

just below the south end of Paradise Valley

On Monday 9/28 we woke up, got camp together, ate some oatmeal and began to climb the trail above Woods Creek, which undulates slowly up the canyon. Whispy cirrus clouds started floating by in the afternoon, suggesting that a storm was building.


We intersected with the John Muir Trail, a 230-mile trail that traverses the high country between Yosemite Valley and Mt. Whitney, the highest point in the lower 48 states. The suspension bridge that crosses Woods creek sways when you walk across it.


We continued up JMT until we got to a good spot to camp, between the bridge and Dollar Lake. That night we were visited by some of the local wildlife, who took a few chunks out of Gus' camelbak nozzle (maybe it tasted like toothpaste).



fall colors

Tuesday 9/29 we had a short day because we were a few miles ahead of schedule. The plan was to make it up to Rae Lakes and enjoy the afternoon there basking in the sun, and to take 9/30 off from hiking to let our feet rest a little. The day before, Dianna developed a world-class blister on her right ankle that required some surgery and a lot of moleskin.



The mountains, however, had something to say about our plan...




We got to middle Rae Lake at 2pm, and hastily assembled the tent while snow started to fall. If we hadn't been laying inside of it, we would have lost the tent to the wind, the gusts of which we could hear howling through the mountain passes high above us a few seconds before ripping past the tent, deforming the tent upon us and sucking the modest accumulated heat away. That night it got down to 19°F. Water froze inside our tent. As Gus only had his summer sleeping bag, we improvised and zipped our bags together, spooning to allow our body heat to keep us warm through the night. That's the benefit of backpacking with your spouse.

The wind died down around dusk long enough for us to get a few 'golden hour' pictures:




10/1, Dianna woke up to a freezing but silent morning and snapped this shot:


Then she did some yoga.


On the rest day we explored the lake, laid around and generally did nothing. It was great. That night it was dead silent and the only thing we could hear was our own heartbeats.


The next morning, 10/2.



We got up, ready to power up Glen Pass (1400 feet in 2.8 miles, about half of the gain would come in the last 1/2 mile). Dianna flew up the mountain. She was a good 10 minutes ahead of Gus about half way up.


Dianna was excited

Gus was a little tired

We hiked for 8 hours and made it to Junction Meadow, which sits at 7000 feet. Our feet were tired.


Before she left, Dianna had her toes painted so she could have a 'ray of sunshine' when she took her boots off.


On 10/2 we got up and began the 10 mile hike down to the car. The trail was a thin rocky ribbon that sliced through the brush, but drainage from the peaks on either side of the narrow canyon into Bubbs creek irrigated everything else, which consequently popped with lush green color. We hiked in long stretches without saying much to each other except for the occasional, "that's pretty". This was a common theme throughout the trip and a benefit that we hadn't anticipated. We originally went on this trip thinking we would be contemplative, or visibly sad, unable to think about anything but losing Bryce. Those things turned out, for the most part, to not be true. We did talk about him, Zane and us, but this was mostly at night when we were laying there in the tent. The rest of the time that week, we simply turned off the world and ourselves. Few new insights about death or coping.

Dianna has been reading a book on grief, the gist of which is that coping with loss is like being lost in the wilderness, consumed by uncertainty, the fear of not knowing which way to go, what to do, how to protect yourself. Maybe this simile isn't too far off the mark. We've been in the metaphorical wilderness since Bryce died on May 15th. For the week surrounding his projected due date, it was a gift to be able to transiently live in actual wilderness and, for a change, to embrace it, to become a part of it.

Monday, June 15, 2009

One long month

From Bryce Aubrey Zeiner

Today is the one month anniversary of Bryce's death. To be honest, I do not know what to write.

Bryce we miss you... or at least the idea of you. How can you miss something that you weren't use to? Bryce was not part of our everyday routine, he was just inside me. I miss the concept of my second child, but that does not include medical needs, pain and death. I yearn for a healthy Bryce, the little baby that would be kicking my ribs and soon to be keeping me up all night. Is that fair to miss something that was never truly real? To be so self absorbed that I really only miss the thought of a child, but not Bryce? I am completely perplexed on how I should feel. So today, I give up. It is part of my nature to make everyone feel better, to let them know that it will be ok. Today is simply not that day.

Knowing that people might be looking at the blog specifically today, I did want to share yesterday's memorial and more of my most recent thoughts. Pictures are posted in Bryce's photo album, I hope that everyone can see what a beautiful place Bryce is buried. The headstone is currently being made, we are having a craftsman carve something special for Bryce. Once we have it placed we will post a picture of this a well.

Love to all,
Dianna

Saturday, June 13, 2009

evaporated myth

I have had a lot of time to think and to talk to family and friends lately. In this process of writing a narrative for Bryce's life, lots of isolated thoughts have come up. This is one of those thoughts.

This isn't going to be an overly insightful concept for most of you but apparently I have been living with a gaping blind spot for quite some time now. Here goes:

I don't control anything in my life that truly matters.

Saying it out loud makes it seem so obvious it's embarrassing. I'm healthy. I was born into a good family. I'm a biologist because it was the thing I was naturally good at when I was in the career-choosing part of my life. I met Dianna by random chance. One of my sons is healthy and beautiful. My other son was only beautiful.

I think that most Dads believe that they can protect their kids. Our culture lauds Dads for this imaginary strength and cunning, for being six chess moves ahead of everyone else when it comes to averting danger. What complete bullshit. You can strap your kid into a car seat. You can put a helmet on your kid when your kid is doing something that requires a helmet. You can teach them to not run into the street to chase a ball. You can tell them to not talk to strangers or get into their car. These things aren't protection, they are common sense.

You can't protect your kids from random chance.

-Gus

Karyotype results

From Bryce Aubrey Zeiner

The above picture is Bryce's karyotype results from the amniocentesis. Although there is no new information from these results that we did not already know, we are comforted to see the actual data. To physically view the scientific reason behind our sadness, to understand why Bryce died. Bryce had a full triplication of chromosome 13. Notice the size difference between chromosome 13 and chromosome 21 (a triplication of Chromosome 21 causes Down syndrome). Even though it is not just the size but what genetic information is carried on the chromosome, when comparing the two it is obvious what a difference between the quality of life would be, if Bryce had the chance to survive. Poor precious boy, how and why were you so unlucky? Bryce, we love you.

In Bryce's photo album, we added a few more of the artistic photos we received. We love these photos almost as much as we love our boy. Evidence of his life, evidence of how Bryce has changed us. We hope it does not pain you to see them, we think they are beautiful.

All our love,
Dianna and Gus

Saturday, May 30, 2009

What is Trisomy 13?

So far our blog posts have focused on Bryce's life and the aftermath surrounding his death, but we haven't spelled out the details of what Trisomy 13 actually is. In this post we will try to answer some of the questions that you might have.

Trisomy 13 (or Patau syndrome) refers to a group of chromosomal disorders where cells receive an extra functional copy of chromosome 13, resulting in three copies (hence trisomy) of chromosome 13 rather than the usual two copies. The extra chromosome 13 can be whole (referred to as 'full' or 'nondisjunctive' Trisomy 13) or a sizeable chunk of chromosome 13 can be duplicated and glued onto another chromosome (which is called a 'translocation'). Most of the time the events leading to Trisomy 13 were set in motion before the sperm and egg ever met (sometimes decades before), which results in every cell in the developing baby having an extra functional copy of chromosome 13. This is the type of Trisomy 13 that Bryce had. Other times the critical mistake occurs sometime after fertilization, and as such some cells are normal in the developing baby, while others have three copies of chromosome 13. These cases are called 'mosaic'. When you read about Trisomy 13 on the internet and see pictures of kids that are 10 years old with Trisomy 13, they are generally of the 'mosaic' flavor, which can lead to less severe form of the disease ('less severe' is relative - this disorder is hugely debilitating).

So, why does one extra chromosome matter? The extra copy of chromosome 13 thinks it's supposed to be there so it behaves like the other two copies and expresses its genes when it is supposed to. Unfortunately, the extra products of the genes on chromosome 13 have consequences for development. Cleft lip and palate. Congenital diaphragmatic hernia. Kidney dysfunction. Heart defects. Blindness. Extra fingers and toes. Fused fingers and toes. Severe mental retardation (IQ = 30-60). A spectrum of other things that you don't want. Bryce appeared to have only the first three at 20 weeks, but other problems (heart defects) would have almost certainly arisen during the third trimester. Bryce's congenital diaphragmatic hernia was what killed him.

What are some of the genes encoded by chromosome 13? Chromosome 13 contains 114 million bases of DNA (all chromosomes together add up to around three billion bases of DNA) and has around 700 protein-coding genes and an unusually high number of 'noncoding' genes, which often serve to regulate how other protein-coding genes are expressed. Coincidentally, Gus works on a class of noncoding genes called microRNAs, which act to regulate the expression of many other genes that encode proteins. The particular group of microRNAs that he focuses on are encoded on chromosome 13.

Now, back to what went wrong. Bryce's Trisomy 13 was not the result of Dianna and Gus having something 'wrong' with their genes. Bryce didn't inherit a disorder that has been passed down through generations in our families. Dianna, Gus (and consequently, Zane) aren't carriers of Trisomy 13. Rather, the nondisjunctive Trisomy 13 Bryce had was a chromosomal traffic accident that happened either in one of Dianna's eggs ~33 years ago (for those of you doing the math, this is back before Dianna was born, when her eggs formed while she was still in her mother's womb), or in Gus' sperm sometime in December 2008. The odds of this happening to Bryce were around 1:13,700. Bryce was the one.

Eggs and sperm each have half the number of chromosomes (23) that all other types of cells do (2 x 23 = 46). This 'half set' of chromosomes is comprised of one of two possible copies of each chromosome, and eggs and sperm are thus referred to as 'haploid'. Haploid eggs and sperm are made from precursor cells that have duplicate full sets of chromosomes. A series of very specialized cell divisions called 'meiosis' occurred in these precursor eggs and sperm to generate haploid eggs and sperm. Evolution decided long time ago that the benefits of these specialized cell divisions (the mixing of genes from your parents) outweighed the risks, so we're stuck with it.

In this specialized cell division process there is a risk that there will be a chromosomal traffic accident, which occurs when a chromosome accidentally diverts to the wrong haploid daughter cell during egg and sperm formation prior to their separation into individual eggs and sperm. In the case of a nondisjunctive Trisomy 13 chromosomal traffic accident, one egg or sperm receives two chromosome 13s (for symmetry, another will receive no chromosome 13 and fertilization involving this egg or sperm will lead to a condition called 'monosomy', which are typically miscarried). So, when there is an extra chromosome 13 in the mix, after the egg and sperm join during fertilization one of the two brings in the excess baggage leading to Trisomy 13.

Incorrect numbers of chromosomes are more common than we had imagined. Recent research has shown that somewhere between 5-25% of all eggs (but not necessarily fertilized eggs; women have thousands of eggs and not all of them ovulate) contain the 'wrong' number of chromosomes (this number is for all chromosomes combined, not just chromosome 13). 1-2% of all sperm contain the 'wrong' number of chromosomes. It is estimated that half of all miscarriages are due to fertilization involving a egg or sperm that carries the wrong number of chromosomes. In general, the most commonly diagnosed trisomies are 21, 18, 13 and the sex chromosomes. Babies with other trisomies rarely survive past the first trimester, and do not make it to full term.

The difference in incidence between eggs and sperm appears to be due to the particulars of how each is made. Sperm is constantly made after puberty and takes about three weeks from start to finish. In contrast, all of a woman's eggs began the process of meiosis while she was still in her mother's womb, but then hit the pause button. These paused eggs wait until just prior to ovulation to complete the first half of meiosis, which is typically 15-40 years later. Something about the nature of this pause increases the risk of a chromosomal traffic accident. This risk gets greater as a woman gets older, which is where the magic number of 35 years old comes from. Particularly for Trisomy 21, the most common of all trisomies, the risk of having a baby with Trisomy 21 (1:300) when the woman is 35 years of age is greater than or equal to the risk of miscarrying due to amniocentesis, which is the unequivocal diagnostic test for all trisomies. Thus, pregnant women who are over 35 typically have an amniocentesis. What exactly happens in a woman's body between the ages of 30 and 35 to increase this risk of trisomies several fold remains to be determined.

Of the children that have Trisomy 13, 90% die by 3 weeks post birth (this includes neonatal death). By the age of one year, the number of fatalities rise to 99%. There are beautiful and rare cases of children that live with Trisomy 13, if you wish to read their stories click here. If there was even a small chance for Bryce's survival, we would have been honored to care for and cherish him. Sadly, Bryce's condition was too severe.

None of this is meant to scare you into not having children. The odds that you will have a healthy child are still much better than the odds that you won't. The take home message here is this: be in awe of your children, of yourself and of human existence. It's amazing that we are this perfect.

If you have any other questions, please let us know. We've read a lot lately.

Much love,
Los Zeiners

P.S. We will answer questions in the comment section. We are already amazed at what we have discovered and encourage you to read the comments.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Honoring Bryce

From Bryce Aubrey Zeiner
Dianna's hands cradle Bryce.

In the rising of the sun and in its going down,
We remember Bryce.
In the blowing of the wind and the chill of winter,
We remember Bryce.
In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring,
We remember Bryce.
In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn,
We remember Bryce.
In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We remember Bryce.
When we are weary and in need of strength,
We remember Bryce.
When we are lost and sick at heart,
We remember Bryce.
When we have joys we yearn to share,
We remember Bryce.
So long as we live, he too shall live,
For he is now part of us,
As we remember Bryce.

These words were read today at Bryce's funeral. Deborah, a family friend and Rabbi, lead a peaceful non-denominational ceremony reading passages from Psalms and Ecclesiastes. Dad, Mom, and Grandma Mouge shared their thoughts (including Bryce's gifts) and although there were tears, there were also a few smiles.

Bryce's funeral was a very sweet and personal ceremony, only 8 people attended. The sun was at full glow and the grounds were beautiful. Bryce is buried at Mount Tamalpais Cemetery in the shade of a tall Redwood tree directly next to his grandfather Arthur Zeiner. Hundreds of small white flowers were placed in the ceremony and at the grave. They included tulips, spray roses, baby orchids and blue bella donnas -- all fragile and small just like our Bryce. We placed an Elvis lunchbox beside his casket that were filled with mementos for him.
  • Elvis lunchbox- For Baby El, purchased after 9 week ultrasound
  • First present for Bryce - a baby rattle picked out by Zane the weekend we found out we were pregnant. The rattle had 2 soccer balls on it, one on each end.
  • Newborn green and white striped socks and soft green lamb finger puppet -- also purchased after 9 week ultrasound
  • Dill pickle - for the extreme cravings you gave Mama Zeiner (eating 3-4 a day)
  • A piece of chocolate from Mother's Day
  • "Sling Bling"- a rhinestone cross with hearts that Gus gave me for Mother's day. It was to be clipped onto my baby sling.
  • Small blue truck from cousins Dana and Jessica
  • 3 rocks from Zion National Park (place of our wedding) - one for Gus, Dianna and Zane
  • Painted art from Zane - Zane quietly painted one afternoon this past week, giving mom time to reflect
  • Small picture book of family
  • Words from Baby of Mine lullaby - sung to Bryce in womb and after delivery
  • Bryce's foot and hand prints
  • A letter from Mom
There are a few ancient Jewish traditions that Gus and I agreed to do to honor Bryce. At the beginning of the ceremony, you take scissors to cut and rip your clothes, right over your heart as a sign of mourning. The modern tradition is to have a black ribbon pinned and cut this, but Gus and I decided to acknowledge the original intention. Gus wore his wedding suit and the linen shirt was torn. Dianna wore her blue bridesmaid dress, the same dress for Zane's first Easter and the one she wore this Mother's Day. These outfits were worn on our happiest occasions and to celebrate. They had meaning to us and will be saved in a keepsake box. Also by tradition, all who attend walk from the chapel to the graveside. Family members carry the casket as they walk. Gus led and carried Bryce in his arms the whole way. Mom walked barefoot, a homage to Jesus' journey and the sacrifice he made for us. The distance was only about 0.25 miles, short enough for all family members to walk, but long enough to contemplate our sorrows. After the graveside service, family and friends bury the dead (not strangers), honoring by physical labor. This is perhaps the hardest emotionally to view and do, plus it also takes time. The entire service lasted 3 hours. This time honors the deceased but allows reflection during mourning and sometimes gives peace. Bryce was buried by love from his family in attendance. We honored Bryce today.

Be at peace, our sweet baby boy. You will be remembered.

These past 2 weeks have been emotionally draining, and we are still in complete shock. Since this weekend happens to be our 6 year anniversary, we decided to continue with at least part of our plans. Although we will not celebrate, Gus, Dianna and Zane will travel to Yosemite National Park for a weekend of solitude and reflection. We thought it was appropriate since Bryce was named after our love for National Parks; it is yet another way to honor him. We will escape from the city life, including phone calls, email and blogging. You will not hear from us until at least Monday.

We also wish to thank everyone for all of the support. We have received heartfelt emails, cards, blog comments; flowers; food; and even presents for Zane (too sweet). Although we have not replied to many, know that we have read your words and received your gifts. You have been so amazing, we are truly blessed and touched by your love. We do not feel alone in our sorrow.

Please know that we still have stories we want to share with you, although we do not yet know when we can write about them. For example, Bryce's baptism was not conventional and a story worth sharing. Today when we returned home after the funeral and opened our mail, we received Bryce's baptism certificate and a note from the Chaplain. Mom wept.

All our love,
Dianna, Gus, and Zane